Boyfriends and husbands were dashing around
Their wallets were open their credit cards out
In the hope that no loved one got forgotten about
They rushed into Boots' for the perfume they needed
And the warning in Thornton's was carefully heeded
"Keep them cool, keep them safe, the box is not strong"
"OK" they all said, wondering what could go wrong
As they sat in the pub there wasn't a sound
Preparing themselves for the second round
At Mamma's a silk scarf was plucked from the shelf
But the assistant in Radlley was no frigging help
It was then down to Argos for one of those things
That chop lots of veggies and mix lots of things
And a trip up to Marks' for some brassieres and knickers
With a break in the doorway to munch on a Snickers
It was nearly eleven when panic set in
They'd forgotten the Champers, the wine and the gin
So they rushed to the offy fearing their fate
When Ali said "Calm down boys, we're open till late
They pile in their taxis with boxes and bags
And head for the suburbs and their other halves
When up in the sky they notice a sleigh
It's Santa and Rudolph and they're on their way.
At home their beloveds lie sleeping in beds
So they place Thornton's chocolates by their sleeping heads
Then down to the tree to lay out their gifts
And out the front door for a few calming spliffs.
He works hard in the morning and breakfast is ready
When in walks his darling, she's rather unsteady
Her hair is all matted and soon he gets belted
The whole box of chocolates had all bloody melted
So she sits by the fire all angry and glaring
And he's rather confused by what she is wearing
Not the bra and the panties, they're too loose a fit
It's an old Arran jumper her granny had knit.
"What were you thinking?" she screams in his face
"You've had all sodding year to get things in place
This Santa, this tree, are a bit of a clue
Of the time of the year and you have things to do"
"But my darling" he mutters "you don't understand
It's inherent, genetic, it never is planned"
And with that poor excuse he gave up the fight
for a kiss and a cuddle on that Christmas night.
With the Sales due to start and with bargains selected
He hands over receipts - it's an art he's perfected
The plan worked as always, he does it undaunted
She can go to the shops for what she really wanted.
With apologies to Clement C Moore.
xxxxx
