Naughty but funny

[cruiser2]

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said " Is that Marstons or Tetley?"
I said "There is a tap underneath, taste it and find out."

I was talking to a girl in the Red Lion last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you would look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about mu ability to gues what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really," she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born."
I said, "Yesterday!"

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a very long shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls out a rectal thermometer out of her handbag and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller.
Without missing a beat, she says,"Well, thats great...that's just great... some asshole'd got my pen!"

[Aggers]

I like the 'born yesterday' one.

[JoM]