Vocal Voices

I really, really, really hate Google, Amazon, eBay, Snapchat, Faceache, Twitbox, What'sit, smartphones, tablets, laptops, computers, the Internet, the Unternet, Freeview, the BBC, ITV, C4, C5, Real radio, all radio, iPlayer, email, Omail, Gmail, Zmail and Cadbury chocolate, especially the chocolate.

Why do I have to synchronise this, connect the other, become part of summat when I just want to live my life.

I have a new phone and moving all this carp is worse than moving house - security this, PIN that, password the other. I remember the days when if you got a new TV and turned it on it worked.

Because Mr. Bezos, Mr Zuckerberg, Mr Musk, Mr Cummings, Mr Lansman, Greta Whatsit, Google, Amazon, eBay, Snapchat, Faceache, Twitbox, MI5, MI6, MI7, the local Plod, the local Council, HMRC, Customs 'n Excize, Elf and Safety - they all want to know what you're up to.

Well done for restraining yourself and not using an angry emoji. Otherwise the Cops would have been round to Check your Thinking.

Only solution is to Live Off the Grid, as I do. You can then have as much Chocolate as you like ….

And yet here you both are, you pair of old grumps

Got to keep up with technology