It's Murder, On The Orient Express ....

[Kaz]

Ambush, yikes! Impossible to beat the system without a bit of warning.....

[TheOstrich]

Ambush, yikes! Impossible to beat the system without a bit of warning.....

LOL. In fact, the blood/sugar reading has come back down to 44 - and they are now saying that rather than too high, this is now too low! You cannot please these people - I give up!

29/12 – Ah, Christmas! A time of turkey, tinsel – and gas central heating breakdowns! Ours went on the blink on Christmas Day, and it wasn’t so much that we were without heat, it was that the blessed thing wouldn’t shut down! Despite having turned off the controls in the kitchen at 8.00 in the evening, an hour later it was getting decidedly stuffy in the house and I discovered that the radiators were still on full blast. The only way we could close it down was by going outside and turning off the system at the boiler itself in the garage. Despite “resetting” the system the following day, we again found that it wasn’t responding to the house controls, so on the 27th, we put in a call to the local guy who services our central heating system – only to find he was away until 3rd January! Luckily, after phoning around, we made contact with another firm; they came out the following day, and it was simple job of fitting a brand new control panel in the kitchen as the circuit board in the old one had completely failed. We now await the bill!

After the car battery, and now this, I had been dreading what the third of the “these things always happen in threes” would be, but my S then emailed me to say that her microwave had gone bang just after Christmas, and she was off to the sales to buy a new one! That, declared Ossie, was the third of the three – by proxy!

For the first time in many years, the Ostrich didn’t venture out to a traditional Boxing Day football match. Firstly, none of the local county leagues had bothered to arrange any fixtures on the day, and secondly those games scheduled in the higher leagues were all “local derbies” which didn’t actually hold a lot of interest for me. The reorganisation of non-League football over recent years has led to smaller-sized divisions, and with less games being played, mid-week games and the traditional Boxing Day fixtures seem to have been the prime casualties. Additionally, Rugby Union traditionally shuts down for a couple of weeks over the holiday period anyway, so with no other distractions, Mr and Mrs O contented themselves with a pleasant afternoon tea at home in an extremely warm house!

This Saturday, however, saw the bird make the short journey across the county to Raleigh Grove, Sherborne, where the home football team were due to take on high-flying Keynsham Town.

Keynsham rose to fame during the late 1950s and early 1960s when it featured in that long-running series of advertisements on Radio Luxembourg for Horace Batchelor's betting system – how to predict three draws for the Football Pools. Do you remember those adverts? To obtain Horace Bachelor’s system, you had to write to Batchelor's Keynsham post office box, and Keynsham was always spelled out on-air, with Batchelor famously intoning "Keynsham – spelt K-E-Y-N-S-H-A-M – Keynsham, Bristol". I recall my Dad doing the Pools every week; occasionally as a special treat I was allowed to pick a few teams myself. Even more occasionally, we even managed to win – probably something like 10/6d!

Now I’m old-fashioned, and I do like a football programme. So arriving about 1:15, I rolled up to the turnstile and offered my money.
“… and a programme, please.”
“None today”
“What?!”
“The printer only produced five.”
“Only 5 ???”
“Yes. You’re out of luck. Hur-hur-hur.”
The Ostrich smiled sweetly.
“No problem. I’ll just go and watch the rugby!”

Now I seem to recall in the back of my mind that Sherborne Town have pulled this stunt on me before. I can’t be sure without checking my records, but I have a feeling it was a couple of seasons ago, not long after we moved down here. And Sherborne Rugby, unusually at their level, do issue a programme. In fact, there’s a big blackboard at the entrance to their pitches (conveniently next door to the soccer ground) which says “We’re trying to raise funds for improvements so we very much regret we’re going to charge £5 for admission, but you will get a free programme”. So I paid my £5 and got a free programme. This is a 28pp glossy production which is mainly adverts but does contain two articles, one by the President and one by the Chairman, which both basically say “We’re trying to raise funds for improvements so we very much regret we’re going to charge £5 for admission, but you will get a free programme – and this is it”!

Nevertheless, it’s a programme. Honour satisfied!

Now I wasn’t expecting any rugby matches to be taking place today, due to the aforementioned Christmas shutdown, but the Unholy Triumvirate of Blackmore Vale Rugby Clubs (Sherborne, Yeovil and my local club North Dorset) do have a tendency to be innovative and do their own thing; last season, for example, there were a series of Friday night games under floodlights. When I had entered the large car-park that serves both rugby and soccer clubs, I’d idly noted that there seemed to be rather a lot of people behind the hedge on the rugby side, but hadn’t given it much attention until the soccer programme debacle, so I was intrigued to find out what was going on.

Well, it turned out to be two games – Sherborne 2nds vs North Dorset 3rds in a Festive Friendly on Pitch 2 at 1:30 and Sherborne 1sts vs North Dorset 1sts in a full-blooded League match starting at 2:15 on the main pitch. Not games that I would particularly have chosen – you may remember that we met North Dorset 3rds in a howling monsoon at Slaughtergate just before Christmas – but I was so cross about the football programme (or lack of it) that I thought right, I’ll watch these guys instead!

The friendly game wasn’t too bad, all things considering. Sherborne 2nds are in a higher league than the North Dorset team, so the result was fairly predictable – it was 12-0 at the interval, with Sherborne’s second try scored by S.12 after much acrobatic juggling to keep possession of the ball, and the subsequently conversion hitting the top of the crossbar and fortuitously bouncing over. Two further converted tries were scored, by S.13 and S.4, before the referee ended the game on 71m. Reasonable entertainment and a closer game than the score suggests.

The second half of this reserves game was still being played when the main event kicked off, but although the two pitches are laid out end-to-end, there is a huge grassy bank running the length of both pitches on the far side from the entrance gate, so by walking round the ground and perching judiciously on top of the bank at its half-way point, the panoramic view meant the bird was able to watch both games simultaneously!

The first team rugby game saw a dour, fairly even first half with Sherborne eventually leading 3-0, but noticeably goal kicking by both sides was poor and North Dorset missed three easy attempts before the break. Now the refereeing team, according to the printed programme, was supposed to be a local district society referee supported by two club linesmen, North Dorset’s representative being a “Mrs Keates”! Well, it certainly wasn’t “Mrs Keates”, unless she’d forgotten to shave , and what we actually got appeared to be a fairly high-powered, miked-up National League level officiating team, distinguishable by the “KYBO!”-sponsored shirts being worn. KYBO means “Keep Your Boots On”, and refers to an RFU initiative to recruit and train referees at the higher levels, but unfortunately “Kybo” is also North American slang for, let us say, an out-house, and I have seen it referred to as an acronym for “Keep Your Bowels Open” . We must draw a veil over any further discussion of this topic ….. I would only add that the main incident of note in the first half came when the referee stalked half-way across the pitch to order a middle-aged, female fanatical Sherborne supporter to desist from encroaching on the field of play!

Sherborne opened up in the second half, scoring six tries, (the visitors scoring two), to set up a fairly comprehensive 39-10 win, and maintain their unbeaten performance this season.

So, having finished this second rugby game, a short walk back to the football ground where it was now half-time and with the turnstile closed and the gates thrown open, admission was gained for free! “Hur-hur-hur,” muttered Ossie. Keynsham Town had already scored twice in the first half and promptly doubled that within 10 minutes of the resumption, K.10 smashing the ball home from a K.11 cross on 52m, and K.8 robbing S.4 before cheekily lofting the ball over the home keeper three minutes later. Sherborne created few chances and certainly never looked like finding the net, at the right end, anyway. S.15 completed the rout on 72m, accidentally rocketing a K.12 cross past his own keeper! Keynsham are in contention for a promotion place again this year, and look a good side – Sherborne are perennial strugglers but should just about survive at the other end of the table.

Friendly: Sherborne II RFC 26 North Dorset III RFC 0
Admission and programme: both rugby games £5
Refreshments: £1 for a small jammy donut from the pitch-side wooden beer hut. The rugby clubhouse is about ¼ mile away!
Attendance: 159

Wadworths Southern Counties South (Level 7): Sherborne RFC 39 North Dorset RFC 10
Attendance: 372

Toolstation Western League Division 1 (Step 6): Sherborne Town 0 Keynsham Town 5
Admission at half-time: free!
Refreshments: £2.60 for a cheese*burger. * Don’t get excited, it was merely an un-melted slice of Kraft.
Attendance: officially 123, but my count was only 87. Interesting to compare this with the rugby games …..

[cromwell]

Yes, we've had boiler trouble as well. A sensor in the boiler apparently. Ho hum.

Keynsham. The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band made an album in the 60s called Keynsham. I wonder if they were influenced by Mr Batchelor? Why would the printer only produce five programmes? Maybe his boiler went as well and he had to go home!

The friendly seems to have been a good match Os, and played in a good spirit.

But seeing three matches at one go surely has to be a record!

You mention of the female fan on the pitch brings back memories. When I played amateur rugby league in the late 70s early 80s we were playing one local derby against Hemsworth (they didn't like us much) at home, and our crowd invaded the pitch! There had been a scuffle on the half way line and the passion of the crowd overflowed...
Hemsworth had a ginger haired prop called Stan who got hit with a brolly by one of our more enthusiastic female supporters. Being a gent, he didn't retaliate. Happy days.

Needless to say, the return fixture at their ground was equally heated...

[TheOstrich]

Ah well, Crommers, as for the five programmes, as I've historically understood it, you're supposed to put three in the referee's changing room, at least one in the away changing room, and one usually gets sent to the league to prove that you've "issued", where it is a league regulation that you must do so (especially where league sponsor's adverts are involved). These days, however, since on-line rather than printed programmes have become acceptable, I don't know what the rules are - if indeed any still exist. But if you're doing five, why not do thirty? Certain clubs have always had a bit of a "can't be ar%ed" policy over programmes, I'm afraid, as they claim they lose money on them.

But seeing three matches at one go surely has to be a record!

No, my record is actually four - North Midlands RFU Cup Finals Day at Dudley Kingswinford RFC, Sunday 10/05/2015! Excellent day out for a tenner, if I recall correctly.

05/01 – “Hmmm“ said the Ostrich.
“I think we’re going to need a new hoover. “
“Why?” queried Mrs O.
“Well, it’s simply not picking anything up. No suction; I’m chasing bits all over the carpet. It’s been pretty ropey for some time, to be honest.”
“More expense” sighed Mrs O. But then a thought struck her.
“When did we last change the hoover bag?”
“Dunno. That’s your department.”
“No it’s not. It’s your department.”
“Ah,” said Ossie. “I haven’t done it since we moved down here, as far as I know”
Mrs O replied “And neither have I ….”
“Probably 2015, then?” wondered the bird ….

One completely full dust bag and one completely choked up feed pipe ….
“DON’T dismantle it in the kitchen, take it outside, you silly bird!”
“Have we got any spare bags?”
Much rummaging in cupboards followed, followed by muttered imprecations as the Ostrich tried to work out how you fit a new one.

“Is it any better now?” asked Mrs O.
“Oh yes, I think so,” replied the bird. “Well, it’s just completely swallowed the hearth rug …..”

A bitterly cold day today, a gunmetal grey sky and lingering winter mist, but thankfully the overnight frost had cleared, so there seemed little danger of match postponements. In any event, Ossie stayed local and just motored the five miles up the road to Mere for an early kick-off in the Dorset Senior League. First time I’ve seen Mere for a season or so; a while back they were a fairly decent mid-table Step 7 side but surprisingly took voluntary relegation down a division, ostensibly to cut costs, I suspect. Now, they’re top of the table in the lower league; whether they’ll accept promotion though remains to be seen.

I wended my way round the back streets and into the Main School car park, which is tight, but I fairly easily bagged a space. The teams’ changing rooms are on the school complex, which is adjacent to the recreation ground where they play. Having confirmed the game was on, I then wandered down the path to the Social Club, mainly to check that the telephone pole in their car park which I had inadvertently tried to demolish back in 2016 was still standing (reversing, I had wondered what the twanging sound was, and found I was entangled with one of the tension support wires – didn’t do much good to the car’s paintwork either! That’s why I park now up the School). The Club itself was locked up however, so back to the car to keep warm.

The match was entertaining enough but the cold conditions were a bit of a trial. It wasn’t advisable to put your hands on the metal railings round the pitch for any length of time – you’d have lost a layer of skin! I kept on the move, making constant circuits of the ground; if I’d have stopped, I’d have frozen to the spot. Retrieving errant footballs from various parts of the field helped keep the bird warm, but by half-time, I was ready for a hot drink in the Social Club, so marched down there as soon as the whistle went. Through the doors and up to the bar, only to find the landlord intoning the last rites over the coffee machine, which had completely given up the ghost! So just a bar of chocolate, and back for a freezing second half.

Mere had to work hard to defeat visitors Broadstone, who contented themselves by sitting back, with the occasional fast breakaway upfield from a defensive position. Mere took the lead on 15m when M.7 curled a peach of a 25 yard shot away from the keeper up into the corner of the net, but B.11 equalised on 39m when following one of those breakaways, the home keeper could only get a hand to a dangerous B.10 cross and deflect it into the path of the Broadstone player who did well to stretch and slide the ball home.

Mere attacked throughout the second half, got their reward on 56m when M.7 managed to pull the ball back across the goal-line for M.14 to connect at the far post, but try as hard as they could, no further goals were forthcoming. A workman-like rather than a scintillating performance from the league leaders to maintain their position, but chasing teams have games in hand over them and there’s still everything to play for in this league.

Dorset Senior League (Step 8): Mere Town 2 Broadstone FC 1
Admission and 12pp colour programme by donation (I was generous, £5)
Refreshments: just a KitKat 80p
Attendance: 26

[Kaz]

Brrr, it was certainly a cold day here in the West yesterday, hard going without a hot drink!

The Hoover bag thing made me laugh xxx

[miasmum]

You need to invest in a flask Ossie for those sorts of emergencies.

The way Ipswich are going, give it a couple of years, I expect to see you writing about them

[cromwell]

A new hoover Os? I've told MrsC we need to sell ours, it's just gathering dust.....

A freezing cold day and only a kitkat? I admire your fortitude!

[TheOstrich]

I think I've got a way to go before troubling the likes of Ipswich FC, MM!

12/01 – On Tuesday, Mrs O made a first sighting of an egret this winter; the bird apparently flapped languidly across our back garden en-route to the nearby country park. They’re easily identifiable as they’re brilliant white in colour, and tend to sit disconsolately in the middle of the local river. It’s the second year we’ve seen one up here; according to the RSPB, they are regular winter migrants from the continent to escape the cold weather, and usually they are to be found on the coast, but since the older birds established regular breeding colonies in Poole Harbour, the newly-migratory ones from France are warned off by the regulars and forced to fly inland – hence our sightings of them 30 miles upstream in the headwaters of the River Stour.

“Typical! They come over here and pinch all our fish,” grumbled Ossie.
“Silly bird,” said Mrs O. “You hate fresh trout anyway ……”

Now the Dorset Police and Crime Commissioner, a certain Mr. Martyn Underhill, is “reluctantly” asking members of the public to pay the equivalent of an additional £2 per month in with their 2019/20 rates bill to help fund policing. To try and garner support for this, he and his team are currently out and about in the county, undertaking public consultations to see what we feel about this. I’m not sure that his consultations are widely representative as they seem to take place only in Waitrose supermarkets – perhaps he feels he might not get a positive response from the regular shoppers at Lidl and Asda!

Anyway, reasoning that the best way of avoiding the Ostrich was to hold his consultation at Gillingham’s Waitrose on Friday afternoon, (knowing that the bird always shops in the morning), he obviously didn’t bank on the fact that our myopic bird frequently misinterprets Mrs O’s scribblings on the Post-It note which comprises the daily list of items required.

“Silly bird,” said Mrs O. “You’ve forgotten the milk ……”
“OK – why don’t we both go back to the shop after lunch?” sighed Ossie

And so the Ostrich came face to face with the Dorset Police and Crime Commissioner (well, actually, I was stopped by one of his minions). Could I just complete this survey, and did I have any views? Fatal question …..

Ossie let rip for a good 10 minutes on the inequities of the council tax system, the standard of police driving, and had a pop about the wasted £1.5m on the Ted Heath historical sex crime investigation that turned out to be a complete fabrication. That was the Wiltshire police force, mind you, nothing to do with Dorset, but no stopping the bird once he’s on his hobby horse! Finishing off by telling the surveyor that one of the best ways to save money would be to get rid of the Dorset Police and Crime Commissioner himself (the said gentleman was about 5 yards away speaking to someone else), Ossie then answered yes to every question, declared he was an elderly Non-Diverse Ethnic-English Pensioner, and sauntered off. Until he had a nasty thought ….

“Do you think the Dorset Police and Crime Commissioner now hates me?” worried Ossie. “Do you think he’s going to authorise a ram raid on our house at 6:00 in the morning cos I said they should scrap his job?”
“Silly bird,” said Mrs O. “Anyway, I like a good ram raid …..”
She’s never been the same since back in Birmingham, the West Midlands Police did over the Nigerians in the house opposite ours for (we think) receiving and harbouring stolen goods ….

To Saturday then, and regular readers of this column will know that the Ostrich has, so far, had a very trying season. From train strikes to signalling failures and breakdowns (Barnes RFC), to complete wash-outs (Hamble Club FC), to a flat car battery (Westbury FC), it’s all been rather eventful. A gentle trip to Trowbridge rugby club today; what could go wrong? Well, the opposition team coach breaking down en-route, that’s what!

Trowbridge RFC play at Doric Park, on the outskirts of Wiltshire’s county town, technically in Hilperton, but new building development has over recent years subsumed the area into Trowbridge itself. Apparently five years back, they sold their old ground for (I was told) £2m for a housing estate, and used this to develop their new complex. It’s all pretty plush! I was told, on arrival, where to park by an attendant, directed to the extensive low hamstone-style clubhouse, and after I’d enquired if they produced a programme, was frogmarched into the sumptuous lounge bar to see the gentleman who sold them. Along one side was a proper kitchen producing meals, which I was shooed away from and directed to the food hatch further down the room, and it was whilst I was taking all this in that I became aware of an anomaly. The Trowbridge players weren’t outside warming up, they were languidly draped over the leather sofas watching the TV screen.
“Hmmmm ….something going on here,” thought the Ostrich. Enquiries were made, and it transpired that Old Centralians RFC were stuck on the side of the road somewhere unknown between here and Gloucester, awaiting a replacement coach!

Old Centralians RFC are a bit of a mystery team – I haven’t been able to find out much about them. Their website is not particularly forthcoming, and apart from playing home fixtures at Painswick Road, Gloucester, I couldn’t initially find any details about them. Wiki has nothing to contribute other than the fact they were founded in 1937. However, via an informative Gloucester Genealogy website, I can see that the rugby club has a war memorial – a wooden plaque – commemorating former pupils of the Central Technical School in the city, and this institution, after various mergers and name changes, is now Gloucester Academy, a secondary school with about 800 pupils. It’s pretty obviously struggling – since becoming an Academy in 2010, it’s been put in Special Measures three times and has had a huge turnover of head and principal teachers.

Back to the rugby. Word eventually came through that Old Cents had resumed their journey, but would be very late. Trowbridge started juggling pitches – the thirds’ game against Devizes was moved to the main pitch, kick off as scheduled at 2:15, and the first team game was reallocated to Pitch 4, some way from the clubhouse, but crucially the only one with floodlights! The Ostrich therefore propped himself up on the patio in front of the bar for the thirds’ game against Devizes RFC seconds.

Well, the first 20 minutes of this epic produced some of the most boring rugby I’ve witnessed all season – two ponderously heavy sides rarely moved more than 20 yards in either direction from the half-way line, whilst an equally ponderous referee was constantly whistling up infringements and lengthily lecturing the players. Eventually a game of sorts did break out; on 26m, T.13 was sin-binned for a mild case of stamping and D.14 eventually made the break through with a straight-forward penalty on 35m. Two converted tries in the latter stages of the half gave Devizes a 0-17 lead.

Trowbridge clawed their way back to 12-17 with two tries, one from a mountainous T.17 who was virtually unstoppable once he’d built up a head of steam , but right at the death, D.14 added a final 35 yard penalty to seal a 12-20 victory. A game that redeemed itself with an entertaining ending.

In the meantime, the Old Cents’ replacement coach had hurtled into the car park, and the first team fixture eventually got started just over an hour late. I was able to position myself where I could keep an eye on both games, and saw second place Cents quickly rattle in two early tries, well converted by C.10 to tale a 0-14 lead, but Trowbridge doggedly fought back and two home tries brought the score to 12-14 by half time.

At this point, Ossie started to get a bit excited. You see, in the bar, they were running a “Guess the Final Score” competition with a first prize of £100, and the bird had, after thought, entered the scoreline 15-28. At 12-14, I thought, one Trowbridge penalty and two converted Cents’ tries – and I’d be the winner! And on 60m, Trowbridge were duly awarded a relatively easy penalty! But the beggars didn’t take it and opted to kick for touch! Then on 69m, they got another penalty, this one from wide and much more difficult. This time, however, they went for it and scored! 15-14!! Two Cents’ tries now, and Ossie would be 100 smackers richer ….

Just 4 minutes later, Cents were awarded a penalty. Please run it and score, pleaded Ossie. But no, they took the kick, and as it sailed through the posts to make the score 15-17, I knew that my dream was coming to an end – only a very unlikely scoring combination could then come up with my 15-28 prediction. One deflated Ostrich.

And that’s how it finished. Cents managed to hold out in the face of relentless Trowbridge pressure in the last 10 minutes of the game to clinch the points.

Wadworth 6X South West 1 East (Level 6): Trowbridge RFC 15 Old Centralians RFC 17
Admission and programme £3. Free attempt at Guess The Score.
Refreshments: flaky sausage roll and tea for £3.70, not-bad chips for £1.50. I thought it was impossible for anyone to produce a flakier sausage roll than Shaftesbury FC, but …..
Attendance: 116

Wadworth 6X Dorset & Wilts 2 North (Level 9): Trowbridge III RFC 12 Devizes II RFC 20
Attendance: 53

[cromwell]

Os, you are a right Jonah! What next, the crossbar being struck by a conversion, falling off and concussing half the team? An earthquake at Old Bingletonians RFC?
Os being struck down with food poisoning from a dodgy sausage roll?

(Fully agree about the PCC - ours is a total berk).

[Kaz]

I'll ask Mick what he knows about Old Centralians - there isn't much he doesn't know about the local rugby scene in Gloucester.

I had to giggle about you letting rip at the cops, in Waitrose of all places